Loss and Grief: Grief Without Shame

Sometimes I think it would be easier if we had patches for our losses. Maybe a red one with a suitcase for someone who left us, a blue one with a tear for a loved one who died, a green one for the infants we only knew too brief a time, pink for the hopes that have been dashed on rocks, dreams that never came to fruition.

If we had these patches, maybe we could take them out and wear them when we felt like talking about our pain, and put them in a bag and zip them up when we wanted to be left alone. The patches would be just as much for us as they would be for others. But goodness … wouldn’t it be helpful if we had some way to recognize that our world is different because of our loss? Wouldn’t it be nice to claim our losses and own them, without drowning in the unspoken words and the weight of life’s brokenness?

I am not starting a small business with patches, nor have I thought through this concept enough to know that we should go this route, although I do like a good patch on my tote bags. What I am suggesting is this:

Grief is not shameful, nor should it ever be shame-filled.

Loss is universal but excessively individual.

Many people in this world are toting around weights you cannot see. They may not even be able to see them for themselves…tread gently.

When I am deep enough into a conversation I inevitably end up explaining my family tree and the losses wrapped all around it. Perhaps you are like me – sometimes you feel up to explaining the losses and their impacts, and sometimes you don’t. Sometimes you’ll tell the story for the 3564th time and still recognize a new loss inside the narrative. Sometimes those losses and recognitions hit me like bricks, and sometimes like sunshine.

With loss, you rarely know what you’re going to get and when you’re going to get it.

Loss is part of life in a broken world. It’s good to know this reality so that even when we’re suffering, we can meet with God in our suffering, pour ourselves out before Him, tell Him what we think, our experiences, our wonderings, instead of tuning out and folding in. I believe that God is just as attuned to our “Whys” as He is to our “Hallelujahs” and does not turn us away.

God witnesses our losses.

While this can feel frustrating, it also means we are seen. We are not lost to Him, even when things and people feel lost to us. Some of our griefs are seen to humanity, others only to us, but God sees them all. He doesn’t need patches to guide Him. He hears our groans and sighs. He senses our shattered hopes and dreams before we ourselves may do so.

God invites us to be witnessed by Him. And He also invites us to open ourselves so that we can be witnesses to one another. Where can you come before God and whom can you share within your circles and your world:

what losses confound you and leave you with questions?

what losses have grown you into who you are?

While loss wasn’t God’s plan in the first place (see Genesis 1-3), He certainly has a plan in the middle of it. Plans to weep with those who weep, comfort those who mourn and bind up our places that are broken-hearted.

I invite you to hear more about loss and grief and all its complications in this new podcast episode:

In this episode, you will also have the chance to be a witness to some particular kinds of losses. I asked listeners and readers to share some of their experiences with loss and hope and, in doing so, bring some community and some of that hope straight to you. Some of our losses are so obvious that it feels like we are wearing them; others remain hidden in our culture. Today we do the work of witnessing both of those together.

If you’d like to share in the comments your experience with loss and what has brought you hope and comfort, please do so. No loss left behind. ;)

He holds you and every loss in His hands.

But you, God, see the trouble of the afflicted;  you consider their grief and take it in hand. Psalm 10:14a (NIV)

Next up - Loss and Grief: Complicated Emotions

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