Loss and Grief: Complicated Emotions

One of my favorite topics is emotions. This is no surprise to some of you who are familiar with my content.

Emotions are:

never simple, always complex;

internal, but often experienced within the external of relationships;

often misunderstood, hated on, and stuffed down deep.

Add some loss to our emotional life and we have just added ice to a glass of water - in most circumstances, things will crack and pop and make themselves known.

Loss can bring out complicated emotions we didn’t know we had subdued, and loss brings its own complicated emotions with it.

The stages of grief reflect one layer of these complex emotions:

Denial

Anger

Bargaining

Depression

Acceptance

You might be able to identify 14 complexities within each one of those:

Denial – contradictory, refuted, refusing, withdrawn, dismissed, dismissing, rejected, rejecting

Anger – frustration, rage, irritable, annoyed, vexation, aggravated, displeased, unpleasant, resentful

Bargaining – expectant, anticipating, lost, hopeful, taken for granted, creative, contemplative

Depression – sad, lonely, unhappy, lethargic, melancholy, pessimistic, hopeless, hopeful, discouraged

Acceptance – affirmation, forbearance, embracing, tackling, movement, trusting, prevailing, accustom

And what about the swirling mix so common in loss? We will often experience pain and joy linked together. I really enjoy making giant pots of soup, and whenever I make big pots of soup, I look for my trusty wooden spoon. The silicone spoon within reach will not do; the bamboo spoon, while similar, also no, not what I’m looking for. I didn’t know why this mattered so much to me until I recently found myself talking about memories with my dad. He recalled my grandpa’s love for soup making, and I recounted to him with tears in my eyes the tenderness of more than one memory of grandpa pulling a chair over for me to stand on, setting me up with a massive wooden spoon, and stirring a pot together around and around, around and around. In the same way, I could also recall memory after memory of my husband’s grandmother standing before the stove stirring something with her wooden spoon while we talked about babies and neediness and early motherhood. Memories often bring us joy, tears, a sense of wisdom, laughter, loneliness, and curiosity all flitting around inside of us in the same moment.

Loss is complicated, So its emotions will be too.

In a book our family read recently, Lemons* by Melissa Savage, the main character, an adolescent girl, describes her experience with loss in metaphor: like a volcano at times, other times like a forest fire’s slow-burn or the same fire rushing forward, and ocean waves coming in quickly and you can’t catch your breath. I appreciated the breadth of these descriptions. Metaphors give us words for our emotions sometimes when one description won’t do.

Consider one of the losses you have experienced in your own life. What metaphor is helpful in visualizing or expressing the emotions inside that loss for you?

Another expression I really appreciated from this book was the recognition of the main character, Lemonade, regarding the relational nuances of grief. As she discovers the grief story of a friend, she offers small consolations – the touch of a hand, a smile, a place to be heard, a moment of quiet to feel heard, etc.

Big complicated emotions do not necessarily require, and often are not helped by, big, sweeping statements or gestures, but rather these small consolations. Meet your own grief emotions with space, with a bit of time, and with a moment to be heard. Meet the grief and loss of those around you with these same small things. 

When emotions are many, Romans 8 still remains true, particularly the words found in Romans 8:38-39 –

For I am sure that neither death nor life, nor angels nor rulers, nor things present nor things to come, nor powers, nor height nor depth, nor anything else in all creation, will be able to separate us from the love of God in Christ Jesus our Lord.

Ain’t no sadness deep enough,

Ain’t no madness wide enough,

Ain’t no confusion foggy enough,

To keep Him from loving us through.

Up Next - Loss and Grief: Tools for Mourning

In the meantime - Find the book mentioned in this article, Lemons, or check it out from your local library for a good read. (This is an affiliate link.)