The Many Sides of Mental Health: Age 4 & Age 40

There was a time in my life, at about age 25, that I was so ashamed of my past, I had a hard time looking at it. When I opened my eyes in the dark of night, the person standing before me in my mind was 14-year-old me, with her sharp mouth and wild streak.

I could only look at her for about eight minutes or so, before I hid her back in the farthest reaches of my brain. I didn’t want my husband or my friends to know about her greasy hair, her dark thoughts, and her struggle to feel like she fit. At age 25, I was a mom with two kids. I only wanted this new life I knew. I only wanted people to see me in this place when they saw me.  

But as I tried harder and harder to hide that dark, sweet, hurting 14-year-old inside of me, I found myself back in the dark place again.

When God says He loves us, He means all of us.

He may not love our choices or the things that come at us in this broken world, but He desperately loves each of the people inside our stories. He loves us at age 4. He loves us at age 14. He loves us at ages 40 and age 84. He doesn’t require that we hide any part or piece of ourselves. He loves us through the dark and redeems us with His Light.

There is a small child inside of you.

He or she likely needs to be heard.

For some of you, this process of listening to the child inside of you will be quite painful. For some of you, it will be fun. For most of us, it will be at least a wee bit uncomfortable at times. For all of us, it will shine some light on who we are today and who we want to be tomorrow. And there is freedom in that.

What has happened in your life? What experiences have impacted you? What shame have you borne and where did the Hope shine through? How were you nurtured? When did you need affection and didn’t receive it? What were your hopes and dreams you boxed away along with your childhood?

God sees the whole picture, friend.

God saw your tiny toes in the womb and counts those hairs on your head today. He is in every moment in between. Today, together, let’s give some attention to who we were, who we thought we might be, and who we are. In seeing the past, present, and future of ourselves, we find some grace. We see more of what God sees of us, rather than the limiting place we put ourselves in when we only see the few moments where shame calls our name. In honoring our past, we see growth and goals and the wildly affectionate restoration of Christ. In considering today, we find some peace in this person God made and loves and is working in today. In looking to our future, we can cheer her on, cheer him on, and look forward to what tomorrow holds, even when the journey there is in stops and starts and imperfections.

I kind of like 14-year-old me. She’s really beautiful. Her heart is big and broken for all the hurt in this world. But I also want her to know that she’s a world changer. She’s a force to be reckoned with. She sees deeper when she looks at someone. She opens spaces for conversation and for kindness. She needs forgiveness, and don’t we all … don’t we all.

God is rooting for 3-year-old you and 97-year-old you. And the answer to every question is:

“I redeemed that too.”

Age 4 & 40, past, present, and future … this is one of the many sides of mental health.

Up Next - Look for a new series on grief and loss coming up soon.

In the Meantime - the past, present, future vantage point is an essential element of EMDR therapy. Find out more about EMDR and find a therapist near you at emdria.org.