Igniting Empathy Inside of Me

The world is full of talkers.

I have no judgment. I have lots of words and I like sharing them. 

It’s just so easy to jump in with my opinion, my thoughts, and my advice, rather than let you rest in my silence and the gentle nod of my head.

When someone is hurting, in particular, we want them to know that we are there to help. Or, more truthfully, maybe we want them to know that we are helpful. Talking seems to be the way to do this. We think that if people hear us, they will see light and love and maybe God. The truth is that listening, rather than talking, is the surest way to help someone feel entirely heard, entirely seen.

Empathy igniter: listening to others, really listening, without overly focusing on our responses.

What is empathy?

em·pa·thy

/ˈempəTHē/

noun

the ability to understand and share the feelings of another (source: Google dictionary)

the action of understanding, being aware of, being sensitive to, and vicariously experiencing the feelings, thoughts, and experience of another of either the past or present without having the feelings, thoughts, and experience fully communicated in an objectively explicit manner

also: the capacity for this (source: Merriam-Webster online)

Empathy is about connecting with another person, not as a vague idea, but with a measure of authenticity that allows all the emotions to be in the room as well. While some of us might have a natural gift toward empathy, based on our personalities and spiritual gifts, we all can build our capacity for empathy.

Talking is a good thing. It brings people together in a shared timeline, creates a sense of togetherness and belonging. It’s a good place to start. But we really want to talk in order to get to the listening. Talking opens the door for people to see one another and get to know one another. Listening, and the silence of it, opens up a new place in relationships: a place to be seen. But talking tends to leave no room for emotion, which is what empathy is all about. Emotions get stuffed down, shoved to the side, or tucked under the rug when we fill the room with words. Listening leaves space for emotions to show up and for you to feel them alongside the person.

Empathy is an emotional experience.

Empathy igniter: listening carefully to our own emotions.

Listen to my own emotions? Shouldn’t I be focused on someone else if I want to be empathetic? Yes, but first to build empathy in ourselves we need to practice empathy like we would practice the piano or a new language. Getting comfortable with your own emotions will help you get more comfortable when someone else starts to share their own. You’ll be ready to receive them and be able to tell them apart from your own experience so that the two don’t muddle together and overflow. When we can’t distinguish between our own experiences and someone else’s, both of us end up feeling spent and unheard.

Moreover, research* shows us that we cannot be empathetic toward someone regarding something we cannot be empathetic toward ourselves, aka – if I don’t appreciate the value of sadness and let myself feel my sadness, I’ll have a hard time truly sitting alongside and witnessing another’s sadness with them as well. I think many of us have learned the art of caregiving, so we’re pretty good at faking it. I was for so very long – a sympathetic nod, a pat on the hand, a nice word or phrase … those are masks for empathy because they are more comfortable than the real thing.

Empathy gets us up close and personal with our own need for redemption, for restoration, for a Savior from all of the yuck in life. It also brings us up close and personal with a Mighty God who is deserving of our gratitude and praise. In feeling joy with someone, we can’t help but wonder where that joy comes from. In feeling frustration beside someone, we can’t help but ask bold questions about where God is in the middle of this problem. It opens questions, more than it gives answers.

Empathy igniter: being curious together, allowing a place for questions with no easy answers.

You are full of empathy because you are full of God’s Spirit. If you feel unsure of this, turn to God’s Word and find who His Spirit is and just how much empathy He pours into us and pours out for us.

I invite you today to listen to those near you, to listen to your own emotions, and to take a moment to wonder. Let empathy come alive in new ways. And may it reach out from you, connecting with all of those around you.

This world needs empathy now, more than ever.

Up Next: Empathy without Boundaries

In the Meantime: Tune in to the latest podcast episode

Catch our latest Mental Health Monday episode: Defining Empathy

*Two helpful research links:

Leaf Van Boven, George Loewenstein, David Dunning, Loran F. Nordgren, “Changing Places,” Advances in Experimental Social Psychology 48 (2013): Carnegie Mellon University, accessed March 31, 2020.

Susan Newman, “Understanding and Mastering the Empathy Gap,” Psychology Today (2016): Psychology Today, accessed March 31, 2020.