Validation: An Emotion of Relationship

I enjoy the art of aging.  

I like the wisdom that comes with experiencing more of life. I like the self-assurance that comes from having been reliable to myself and the people I love over time. I like the stories I have collected and the imprints of cultures, people, and places I would never have dreamed, let alone known, in my youth.

I less like feeling “old.”

The body not only keeps the score. The body demands attention to the score as we age. The disintegration of the temporal becomes somewhat incessant; restoration becomes accessible through intentionally where it once was organic.

At 40 years old, our inner dialogue becomes strangely connected to the soma, or body, whether you are interested a more intimate relationship with her or not.

Hi, Body. Yes, I see that you need a new mattress.

Yes, Body, I see that you have some odd hip concern. Perhaps a stretch?

Yes, Body, there are lots of emotions; what shall we do with them?  

Where once you could avoid relationship with the body, the body becomes a loud party guest overstaying their welcome.

If we are to have a relationship with the body, indeed if it will be demanded of us at some point, validation will be a necessary companion as well. Validation isn’t more vital as we age, but it slowly and steadily becomes more meaningful. As we float away from our family of origins, as we do the good and sometimes painful work of separating ourselves from the voices of our caregivers, we must learn to validate ourselves.

In the absence of a steady voice reminding us we matter and we can take up space, or in that voice wasn’t there to begin with, the emotional experience of validation becomes the stability we crave. We set the foundation for feeling the sense that we have a place here, that our bodies and our hearts and our minds are welcome in the spaces and places we fill.

We attend to one another’s emotion and sense of validation in life together – in families, in friendship, in vocational spaces, and in the belonging that comes in communities of all sorts. We hear and tell one another in a thousand different ways – I see you! I hear you!

What is validation, then? How do we practice it, without wearing ourselves and our relationships out?

val·i·da·tion

/ˌvaləˈdāSHən/

An action of proof, accuracy, or realness;

A sense of seen or heard, an awareness present within shared space, rather than a sense of invisibility

The lack of validation or tender care for validation in our culture is quite incredible. Meta-emotion begins where validation is left untended. We feel hurt, because we are hurt. We feel frustrated in our frustration. We isolate in our isolation. When someone, including our own sense of self helps us to see our hurt, frustration, or isolation  – not necessarily agree with it, mind you, but simply note it’s presence  – that version of ourselves is seen, heard, and can move forward with the emotion in mind, but not led by it to prove our presence.

The absence of feeling validated is a sense of invisibility or disparagement. While felt at various intensities, the absence of validation is a general feeling of negativity related to disconnection. In validation we more easily sense connection, relationship, and validity of our personhood.

Imagine yourself slowly disappearing into a transparent version of yourself. Transparency is a good metaphor for the impact of validation on our sense of self. Sometimes we feel strong and clear. Other times, we feel as though we are only a ghost or a shadow in someone’s presence. Our own self-validation brings our sense of self-presence fully online no matter the environment, but we will be impacted by our environment. This is God’s design – interconnectedness, weaving people and places and even His Spirit into our beings.

People are not responsible for our emotions. Our emotions are our own and they don’t have to mean everything. They are radars, alerting us, within the body, that life has problems or satisfactions. Validation, however, is overtly relational, and so there is accountability in such an emotion. We experience validation as connected beings and we do better in holding dual awareness and accountability. We are given the gift of an inner dialogue; to attend to self-validation and the reminders God has given us of who and Whose we are. God sees us and knows us, when our people are imperfect.

Validation shouts to remind us we exist and our existence is meaningful. Here we are! We are alive and well! Validation affirms our sense of self-presence. I am reminded that I am a being with thoughts and feelings in this time and space. We are less likely to be shadowed or in those negative parts of ourselves that disparage us or the world and people around us when we are validated externally:

There is space for you here.

You are imperfect, and worthy.

You are learning and growing.

You are allowed to mess up and be a mess.

You bring something to the world.

When our sense of validation is low in the presence of others, it is more important than ever to attune to our inner dialogue. We practice self-empathy and self-compassion, not agreeing with ourselves and telling ourselves half-truths. Our inner middle schooler can sniff out a lie a mile away. It is their special gift.

When we are working to build our sense of validation or clarity and sense of self-presence, we practice inner acknowledgement rather than affirmation. Our inner cheerleaders do good work, but they can throw off our sense of validation because that inner middle schooler demands almost unattainable congruence. We want our validation not connected to success or victory, but only innate human dignity. Notice the phrasing in my validations above and below. Validation is best when it is both clear and empathetic; a bit no-nonsense and succinct; kind, never disparaging.

Practice self-validation with these phrases now, and then take these messages into the world and validate someone in front of you:

Hello.

I see you.

There is space for you here.

You are imperfect and learning.

You bring something to the people around you, to this place, to yourself.

God sees you and delights in you.

You can grow from where you are.

Validation will change the world, one moment of presence and welcome at a time.