Bids for Connection

It takes a lot of courage to reach out and into someone’s life.

When I invite you to lunch or I ask how you are doing in genuineness, I am taking a risk. Will you respond with acceptance or with rejection? Will you stop to create real conversation or send out a quick “Gotta run!”? Both are reasonable responses depending on the time and the season and the relationship. You can’t say yes to everything and you can’t have deep conversation in every moment. Grace comes not necessarily in the length or the depth of the conversation but in the construct of the conversation –

I bid. You accept.

You bid. I accept. 

This concept of bidding comes from the research of Drs. John and Julie Gottman* at The Gottman Institute. (Find more on their resources at the end of this article.) In their research with couples, they found that those who were able to maintain a solid relationship over time accepted 86% of the bids their partners sent them. These bids can be verbal or non-verbal: a sigh, a question, asking for help, inviting the other partner to do something, etc. Couples whose relationships deconstructed over time accepted the bids for connection only 33% of the time.

While I don’t have the research numbers on how this bidding and receiving impacts our friendships and our relationships in our communities and churches, I think we can make some inferences.

Relationships start with bidding and relationships continue with bidding.

If I want to hang out with people, if I want to know how someone is and have people know how I am, I have to reach out. In really intimate relationships, I can even do this non-verbally, but in most of our relationships, particularly at the beginning and as they are deepening, I’m going to have to go verbal. I ask questions, I suggest a book to you, I make some small talk, I invite you to a thing, etc., etc. There are no friendships without bidding. We can’t wait for people to bid for us; we’ve covered that in “Growing a Friend.” We can expect our relationships to be mostly reciprocal though. So, if I’m bidding and bidding and not getting anything back, that isn’t grace in my life - that’s a lot of rejection. I can love you and care about you, but I’m also allowed to spend my time and energy elsewhere when relationships lack reciprocity.  

Relationships grow in offering and accepting bids.

Accepting a bid for relationship connection might be returning a hug, even if you’re not a huggy person, stopping by an event for a very short time, even when my evening is packed, or answering a question and asking another in return instead of simply giving an answer. Accepting the bid can also include saying “no” sometimes, but saying it in a way in which I still accept you, and let you know I value you, while I might be unavailable for the moment:

“I’d love to have that conversation. I need to run right now. Are you available anytime this week?”

“I can’t come next Tuesday. Will there be another time it’s offered?”

“Can I text you and check back in?” 

Bidding takes us outside our comfort zone because it requires vulnerability - the risk of being shot down is huge – people are busy, life is hard, and others have their own reasons for avoiding vulnerability. But the grace that comes from offering is always there, no matter the response. God sees and hears our attempts and I can almost imagine Him standing behind the person I’m asking saying, “If they say no, I still say ‘Yes’ to you.”

Accepting bids also takes us outside our comfort zone because it requires vulnerability – taking a relationship deeper, even a tiny bit deeper, is effort and work and most of us are tired. Again, I can almost imagine God lifting up our arms and opening our mouths to engage when we wonder if we have it in us. This is the Spirit’s work of grace in me – responding.

And the beauty of it is we can mess up. No couple in the research responded to one another 100% of the time. We get to miss the mark. We get to double back and say, “Hey! I missed that bid, but I’d love another.” We get to each reach out and each accept and decline in imperfection and let God’s grace work growth by means of forgiveness that other 14% of the time.

Now go and bid, go and accept, knowing that there is grace in every connection because of His Mighty and Mysterious love.

Next Up: Release Day for Good Gifts: A Study of James! Followed by Tools for Emotions and a new series on Grief

In the meantime: Try the 12 Days of Physical Touch Challenge (Now that the hurriedness of the holidays is over, give it a try!)

*Check out my two favorite Gottman resources for more on bidding and connection, the first for marriage, and the second for various kinds of relationships:

The Seven Principles for Making Marriage Work and The Relationship Cure (affiliate links)