Always Growing: Who Am I?

It is rare to meet a person who would like to go back and repeat middle school or junior high.

I mean … RARE. If you are that person, send me a tweet or a snap. I would like to invite you to a special psychological study. ;) 

In all seriousness, most people find the stage of development between the ages of about 12 to 16 years old to be one of the most challenging. And I don’t think it’s the acne or the awkwardness that gets us. I also don’t think it’s even the hormones or the struggle to make a single friend who will help us up when we trip and our books and iPad go flying.  

The biggest challenge of those earliest teen years is answering one of life’s biggest questions: 

Who am I?

We are strongly confronted with this question for quite a long stage in our development, from the preteen years through young adulthood, but we are most strongly confronted with this question in those challenging jr high and early high school years.

As with all developmental questions, we return to this question again and again throughout life.

Who am I? 

Sometimes we leave a season of asking this question with a stronger sense of the answer than we began with. These seasons stack on top of one another, and when we have our foundation firmly grounded in hope and Life, we have some support as we ask again and again and learn more about ourselves each time. This is the art of development. We are always growing.

Adolescence begins this journey of questions in earnest.

Who in the world am I?

I do not know a person who doesn’t wrestle with this question pretty continuously. Especially imagine your own life as a jr high or high school experience. It is a uniquely physically and mentally exhausting time. It’s tempting to see it from the lens of nostalgia, so ask yourself especially what was hard about those experiences and who helped you sort out who you were and what was important to you during this time in your life?  

We can abate some of the exhaustion and drain of identity work for the teens in our lives by embracing them at their most awkward, trying to figure it out, and by constantly reminding them of the foundation of identity God gives us to stand on:

You are a much-loved child of God.

Even better, use their name: 

You are a much-loved child of God, (insert name here).

Other parts of this question may never be completely answered this side of heaven. You are always growing. Your child is always growing. Those around you are always growing. One of the best gifts we can give one another, whether in parenting or in friendship is allowing space for asking big identity questions:

Who does Jesus say I am?

Do I believe who Jesus says I am?

What things are getting in the way of believing who Jesus says I am?

Who do I want to be beyond a child of God?

Who gets a say in influencing who I am?

What do I value and how are those values reflected in spending my time, money, and energy? 

We unknowingly squelch someone’s ability to dive into discovering their sense of identity when we feel uncomfortable with these questions. We prematurely cut off their questions when we offer spiritual and emotional answers that are too simple and don’t allow room for the complexity of identity. Instead, offering an invitation for discussing and wrestling together about identity together spreads warmth and grace.

My job as a parent, aunt, friend, neighbor, or even for myself is to be a sounding board, to help others put their desires and experiences into words, to allow them a space to ask curious questions and to let them know I believe they are capable of finding some answers over time.

Our understanding of what we call the “self” changes across our whole lives. We will know ourselves deeper as we have more life experiences with God and with people. I will know myself deeper as I get curious about the parts of myself I love and the parts of myself I struggle to understand. There is no shame in this unwrapping and wrestling to understand our identity. Open Philippians 3 and Romans 7 in the Bible if you need some encouragement that the work of wrestling with identity is good work for our whole lives.

And we have resources to help us in the wrestling:

the strong connections God gives us to Himself in the Spirit

others to wrestle alongside

honesty

internal sensors and emotions to tell us we are in need

God’s Word

the healing of Jesus Christ, who took on our sin and shame

therapy, medications, professional and self-help

We don’t have to be afraid of confronting this question over and over again:

Who am I? 

We are always growing…in our identity.

Want to hear more about identity?

Join me and special guest Dr. Kim Marxhausen for Mental Health Monday Live on the Heidi Goehmann Writes Facebook Page, Dec 21st at noon CST. This month we’ll be discussing identity formation through our cultural lens and perspective. Not available for the live discussion at noon, subscribe to the Heidi Goehmann Write YouTube channel to watch the videos anytime.

Tune in also to the Coffee Hour Podcast from kfuo.org to hear more from Biblical and psychological research on what builds our understanding of identity and what hinders our understanding of our identity from infancy to adulthood. Subscribe here:

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