Heidi Goehmann

  • Articles
  • Books & Studies
    • Advent
    • Altogether Beautiful
    • Casting Stones
    • Emotions & the Gospel
    • Finding Hope
    • Good Gifts
    • He Calls Me Loved
    • The Mighty and The Mysterious
    • Think on These
    • Might & Mercy Family Devotions
  • Mental Health
  • Relationships
  • Connect
Always Growing Intimacy Exercise (1).png

Always Growing in Friendship: Intimacy vs. Isolation

February 02, 2021 by Heidi Goehmann in community

There was a time I thought friendship began with slumber parties and secrets shared in sleeping bags. I also thought friendship began on athletic fields and during recess or at the lunch table. I thought they were easy-peasy-lemon-squeezy.

I thought I must have been doing it wrong because it wasn’t so easy for me. 

 Then I grew up, and friendships got easier in some ways and harder in others. And whether it’s because I’m a therapist, or because I work with youth a lot, or because I like coffee shops and conversation, or just because I’m interested in noticing things, I have noticed this:

Friendship is a struggle at any age. It’s a good struggle, but it isn’t something that will ever be easy in our lives.

I have yet to meet one 9-year-old who hasn’t struggled with friendship.

I have also yet to meet a 15-year-old who hasn’t struggled with friendship.

And I have yet to meet a 40-year-old who hasn’t struggled with friendship.

Finding friendship is hard and growing friendship is hard. These are good things, but they are not easy things. I think our culture puts a certain amount of pressure on children to be good at relationships immediately, with very little effort, and little teaching, guiding, or helping. We each have an internal drama-avoidance meter as well. When my kids have friendship drama at school, I feel incredibly put out. I want it to be their problem, not mine. I’m exhausted by the idea of more relational challenges in my life. Why? Because I have my own relationship issues to deal with.

What if I saw my kids’ challenges with friendship and my own challenges with relationship differently?

What if relationship struggles weren’t drama, but learning?

Relationships are hard work and we don’t come out of the womb knowing how to be good at them. Some of what we need to know we learn from our families. Some of what we need to know we learn through the fire of trial and error, making mistakes and trying again.  

Don’t get me wrong: we don’t need drama for drama’s sake, but friendship struggle in a child’s life is fodder for much learning. Relationship struggle in our own lives, whether in friendship, family, or marriage is an opportunity for much growth for each of us.

Intimacy is a developmental phase. We all go through it. It is most prominent. according to Eric Erickson and other developmental theorists, during our young adult and middle adult years, from about 19 years of age through age 40. Intimacy is the center of authentic relationship; without it, it’s just two people existing simultaneously. In this way, kids develop intimacy, but it’s not fair to expect them to develop it in the way we do when we are 19 and older. They are working through other stages – exploration, building a voice, finding creativity and independence, and developing their sense of self. 

We each must lay that identity formation foundation before we can truly be intimate with others. We can give kids grace and space to get to know who they are before we push them into knowing and understanding too much about others and about how relationships are supposed to work. We can also give them skills, a listening ear, examples, and guidance as they encounter their own struggles for intimacy, because it isn’t quite their time yet to “get” it. We are all a work in progress, and that’s a good reminder we can share with them. 

Here is the crux:

While we each must lay that identity formation foundation before we can truly be intimate with others, as we grow, we each must also be willing to be intimate in order to understand ourselves better.  

This is how development works – in layers and repeats, rather than the simplistic phases I think we’d like to see. As we work through the challenges of friendships and relationships, especially with a desire to grow and a lens of progress not perfection, we will root out the parts of ourselves that need growth and also be able to see the places we have grown. This gives us a clearer picture of who we are and who we’d like to be.

authenticity + connection + intimacy = real relationship

relationship + connection + intimacy = a more authentic version of me

Friendships take time, energy, investment, work, forgiveness, and a fair amount of awkwardness, but the outcome is glorious.

Tell me in the comments: What challenges have you encountered in finding friends or growing friendships? What makes intimacy hard for you? What benefits have you experienced from intimacy and relationship? What have you learned about yourself in intimacy with others?

We are always growing in relationship.

Always Growing Intimacy Exercise.png

 

Want to hear more about relationships and intimacy?

Look for more on friendship and intimacy in my upcoming book, Finding Hope: From Brokenness to Restoration due in April 2021 wherever books are sold.

Join me with special guest Dr. Kim Marxhausen for Mental Health Monday Live, the third Monday of each month at noon CST, on the Heidi Goehmann Writes Facebook Page. If you are not available for the live discussion at noon, subscribe to the Heidi Goehmann Writes YouTube channel to watch the videos anytime. Feb. 15th at noon we’ll be talking about personality theories and ways to grow in understanding ourselves, particularly so we can grow in intimacy with God and others.

Follow on Facebook
Follow on YouTube
Find out about Kim

Tune in to the Coffee Hour Podcast from kfuo.org to hear more from Biblical and psychological research on what builds relationship and intimacy and what hinders relationship and intimacy from infancy to adulthood. Subscribe here:

Coffee Hour Podcast

 

Up Next

Mental Health Picture Books + Life in Relationship Podcast - Ministry Moment: Supportive Adults

February 02, 2021 /Heidi Goehmann
Always Growing, development, relationships, friendship
community
  • Newer
  • Older

Find a Blog Post
  • April 2025
  • February 2025
  • December 2024
  • September 2024
  • July 2024
  • April 2024
  • January 2024
  • December 2023
  • October 2023
  • September 2023
  • May 2023
  • April 2023
  • February 2023
  • December 2022
  • November 2022
  • October 2022
  • September 2022
  • May 2022
  • November 2021
  • April 2021
  • March 2021
  • February 2021
  • January 2021
  • December 2020
  • November 2020
  • October 2020
  • September 2020
  • August 2020
  • May 2020
  • April 2020
  • March 2020
  • February 2020
  • January 2020
  • December 2019
  • November 2019
  • October 2019
  • September 2019
  • August 2019
  • May 2019
  • April 2019
  • March 2019
  • February 2019
  • January 2019
  • December 2018
  • November 2018
  • October 2018
  • September 2018
  • May 2018
  • April 2018
  • February 2018
  • January 2018
  • December 2017
  • November 2017
  • August 2017
  • July 2017
  • June 2017
  • May 2017
  • April 2017
  • February 2017
  • January 2017
  • December 2016
  • November 2016
  • October 2016
  • August 2016
  • July 2016
  • June 2016
  • May 2016
  • April 2016
  • March 2016
  • January 2016
  • December 2015
  • November 2015
  • August 2015
  • July 2015
  • June 2015
  • May 2015
  • April 2015
  • February 2015
  • January 2015
  • December 2014
  • November 2014
  • September 2014
  • July 2014
  • June 2014
  • April 2014

Powered by Squarespace