How Do We Talk with Empathy?

Empathy doesn’t seem like it should be challenging. Most of us feel some degree of it naturally. I think the capacity for empathy is built into us as humanity, but empathy is really learned in homes and families.

Empathy, like most other topics, benefits from a trauma-informed perspective. Life experiences, especially difficult ones, have a great impact on how we respond and communicate with one another. Trauma often manifests itself in a way that makes people seem closed up, unmoving, or centric in their own vantage points. One of the best ways to stretch our empathy is to engage in empathy with those who struggle with empathy themselves.

When people struggle to see from someone else’s perspective, or when people seem selfish and lack compassion, that usually comes from somewhere. Sometimes people have experiences that build walls and urge them to lean toward self-protection. And sometimes, childhood challenges and family dynamics can restrain our ability to interpret someone’s struggle or joy accurately. In addition, some families value empathy more readily and practice it more overtly.

Empathetic Phrase of the Day: We are all works in progress.

Honoring myself and others as works-in-progress requires us to check in with ourselves and evaluate three ways I interact with myself and with others.

Perception and assumption

Perception is my lens, as well as recognizing my lens. I do not have the same life experiences as my neighbors and they do not have the same life experience as me. God made us unique purposefully and we all have something to bring to the table. Ask yourself these questions: What is my lens? What experiences have shaped me and my life? These give us clues as to areas where I am naturally more likely to be empathetic and what areas I may easily miss cues, information, and empathy. If someone is talking about something far outside my experiences, I might need to ask more questions and challenge myself to connect to what they are saying creatively. I might take a moment to consider how Jesus sees them and their experience, rather than jumping in with thoughts and ideas quickly. In our culture today, it is especially important to engage in empathy regarding experiences related to race, culture, gender, and sexuality because we are just starting to have really meaningful conversations regarding roles and stereotypes within these. We also may want to step back and engage our empathy meters and understand our perceptions more fully when we talk about topics like religion or politics, and things which are generally personal for people, like marriage and single life, parenting, and family issues. To engage in empathy we will constantly be working to discover our unique perceptions and the assumptions that come alongside them.

Remember, it’s a gift that we all think differently. Being aware of our perceptions and assumptions reminds us to tread softly. There is no need for big sticks here.  

Judgment

There is so much judgment in this world. Practicing empathy includes paying attention to our own responses of judgment more than the ways others respond in judgment. For instance, if someone says something about a specific belief about sexuality, what is the internal gut response that jumps up inside of you? Pay attention to that response. The responses that come from up in an instant are always good to temper before creating words to share them. I can evaluate those responses with what God says in His Word. Even if I think I “know” what God has to say about it, continually turning to Him with our gut checks is a good way to lean closer into Him. God is full of perfect empathy in every situation through Jesus Christ, even when He doesn’t agree. The closer I am to God’s breed of empathy, the closer I am to expressing empathy in places and moments that are the most challenging for me.

When judgment rises up, praying about it and praying through it is a good place to be. When looking internally becomes heavy, remember, there’s grace for that. God doesn’t expect perfection. Jesus came especially because God doesn’t expect perfection from us.

We can apply the Empathetic Phrase of the Day to ourselves as well:

We are all works in progress.

Compassion (and self-compassion)

Yes, it will be hard for us to have empathy for things we haven’t experienced or that aren’t part of our own daily lives and relationships. But it is the absolute hardest for us to have empathy for those things we lack empathy for in ourselves. Research tells us that if I judge myself for something, I will most assuredly jump to judgment toward others for that same thing.

We need self-compassion in order to get to greater others-compassion.

What are the things you easily judge yourself for? Some examples might be: wasting time on your phone or being unproductive, failing to discipline your kids, failing to discipline yourself, lacking empathy, showing too much empathy, using words that are hurtful, not speaking up for yourself or someone else, etc., etc.

There will be so many moments in this life when we fail to put our best foot forward. Each of us also has a conscience that can become over-protective. Our internal belief system tells us there are things with which we would never be capable of engaging. In the Christian church, for instance, we have “pet sins”– abortion, homosexuality, leaving the church – we see as below our frame of reference. Scientists call this hot/cold empathy states. We cannot see our connection, and therefore our empathy, to something when we are cold, in a state so removed from it. Jesus solves this issue with a quick word from Paul in 1 Timothy 1:15 –

Here is a trustworthy saying that deserves full acceptance: Christ Jesus came into the world to save sinners--of whom I am the worst. (NIV) 

We are all capable of every thought and every sin. 

Take a moment to consider what you think you are not capable of today. Be imaginative and make it something grandiose. Weave a tale in your mind of an instance where you would find yourself suddenly capable. This is the place where we truly understand our great need for Jesus. Otherwise, we’re just really good soldiers who believe we can save ourselves. 

We are all capable. We are all a work in progress.

Believing we are capable of any right or any wrong will help us respond with empathy to everyone, rather than only responding in empathy to those who look, see, or act like us. Go forward today, reflecting on where God might be calling you to have greater empathy. And move forward knowing He’s working in you, a work in progress. 

Next Up – Bringing Empathy to Social Media

In the Meantime - Tune in to the latest podcast about our life as works in progress “Ten Minutes of Journeying.”

And catch the latest Mental Health Monday - Empathy in Action - giving empathy whether you have 5 minutes, 15 minutes, or 5 hours to give.